Anyway, the guys were talking about how hard it was for men to forgive. My pastor is always talking about that. He's mentioned how he's struggled with forgiveness, all his life.
I can really relate. The last time someone really hurt me, it took me three years to get over it. All the time, I thought I was managing it pretty well, but I was only fooling myself. It was always present in my mind. I think I actually went through Elizabeth's Kubler-Ross' stages of grief, because I passed through stages of processing the hurt.
Denial: Praying to forgive didn't occur to me because I was telling myself that it was the other person's fault. I prayed for that person, not myself. I was right; he was wrong, so I prayed for him.
Anger: Anger wasn't the emotion I felt. Surprise that it happened. Hurt, because he thought what he thought, and then shock at his reaction. I was saddened, not angry. This is where I think men and women differ. I took the tongue lashing I received very personally. If I could have punched him in the mouth, that would have ended everything. But the thought never occurred to me. I wanted to cry, not punch.
Bargaining: In retrospect, I was constantly trying to look at what angered him through his eyes. It took three years for me to see it clearly.
Depression: I never was depressed over the situation. But the Kubler Ross stages are for death and dying and this wasn't a physical death.
Acceptance: I was wrong. He was right. I pray that never happens again.
This thought process didn't come folding laundry. It was after, praying Compline. I was meditating on Psalm 32.
Happy the man whose offense is forgiven,
whose sin is remitted.
O happy the man to whom the Lord
imputes no guilt,
in whose spirit is no guile.
I kept it secret and my frame was wasted. I should have punched him in the mouth--get it over with.
I groaned all the day long
for night and day your hand
was heavy upon me.
Indeed, my strength was dried up
as by the summer's heat. How apropos! It's July 5.
But now I have acknowledged my sins;
my guilt I did not hide.
I said: "I will confess
my offense to the Lord."
And you, Lord, have forgiven
the guilt of my sin.
So let every good man pray to you
in the time of need.
The floods of water may reach high
but him they shall not reach.
You are my hiding place, O Lord;
you save me from distress.
You surround me with cries of deliverance. Thank you, Jesus!
