Lost Opportunity

 Back in the day, we elementary school children would walk home, in what was called "patrol lines."  Everyone walked two by two, led by a sixth grader in front, and one in the back.  I was in the second or third grade, when I was surprised, shocked, appalled even, to see my grandmother walking towards us.  And she didn't walk around us; she walked through us.

I looked away and pretended I didn't see her.

That occasion has bothered me for over seventy years.

I know exactly why I did that. I was embarrassed by her appearance. 

This is a photo honoring my great aunt, on her 80's birthday.  Her sister, my grandmother, was in her 80's also, as was my Meme.  Everyone in their 80's was wearing a corsage.  

I think you can see what I am talking about.  The people in the photo are, left to right: my mother, Grandma, Auntie, Meme, and lastly is my mother's sister, my aunt, Bernice.

Do you see a difference in outward appearance in the octogenarians?  Grandma and Auntie are from the old country.  Look at their hair.  Look at Meme.  Meme has a fashionably short coif.  Grandma and Auntie had never cut their hair in their lives.  They always, always, always, wore it the same way--day in and day out, whether mucking out the barn, or going to church, or attending a celebratory party for themselves. Their hair was always pulled back into a bun, worn low on the neck.

Also, their clothes.  They always wore house dresses that reached below their knees, sensible shoes that offered ankle support, and stockings.  These stockings weren't attached to garters but rather rolled up to the knees.  Since their dresses reached below their knees, you couldn't see that stocking roll, until they sat down.  Of course, you can't see that in this photo.  You can see that they are still wearing house dresses, albeit fancy ones.  But still housedresses, especially compared to Meme, who is wearing a suit.

Now here is my seven/eight-year-old self, seeing my embarrassing grandmother walking towards my friends and me.  Can you see why I pretended not to see her?

Do you also see why I have been ashamed of myself for seventy-odd years?  I have lived with regret for my unfortunate reaction. Deservedly so!

Grandma, I love you and I am so-so sorry.

Use the Regret

I started reading Joan Chittister's The Gift of Years.  The first chapter is about the feeling, regret.  Joan suggests that we shouldn't regret regret.  It's part of us.  It helped mold us to whom we have become.  We need to acknowledge this and use it.

These thoughts remind me of the philosophy my "cloistered brothers" follow.  The way they term it is, "Use the time; don't let the time use you."  I keep thinking that Joan Chittister would say, "Use your regret; don't let your regrets use you."

No one knows this better than my "cloistered brothers."  They can't change the past.  But they can change themselves.  They can be better than they were by learning from the past.

One of Aaron Neville's songs also is brought to mind.  To Make Me Who I Am says it all.  Here are the lyrics.

To Make Me Who I Am by Aaron Neville

I've walked through this world sometimes without a friend     

My life has been up and down, been close to an end
But I've been through the mill
And I've paid my dues
Walked so many miles in different peoples shoes

But I've been through the fire
And I've walked in the rain
I've felt the joy and endured the pain

Once I was a schemer
But I always was a dreamer
But it took me who I was and where I've been
To make me who I am

I've met a lot of lost souls in the bowels of hell
Traveled some crooked roads, got some stories yet to tell
I've shot up with the junkie, in piss stench halls
Broken bread with the devil, fallen on my knees to god
Some days I was blessed, some nights I was damned
But I always tried to lend a helping hand

Once I was a deceiver
Not I am a believer
But it took me who I was and where I've been
To make me who I am

Oh, I've seen the little children, all strung out on dope
No one to care about them, living without hope
But I've been lucky that I always had a song
I'll sing it with compassion, to try to right the wrong.

Once my life was wretched
But why should I regret it
'cause, it took me who I was, and where I've been
To make me who I am

This is dedicated to my friends in jail
For my brother jake who had to ride the rail
For my friend roonie and melvin, who were so dear
They were so misunderstood
But I wish they were still here
To hear this song I sing from my heart
They're forever in my soul, even though we had to part

Once I was a deceiver
Not I am a believer
But it took me who I was and where I've been
To make me who I am

God said I forgive you
Wipe away the scars
Cause I know it took who you were
And where you came from
To make you who you are

Cause I know it took who you were
And where you came from
To make you what you are