Bitter Hurt

Drawing by MEK

I thought I'd forgiven him.  At least I was trying.  I was going through the motions.  But when we were together, standing next to each other.  I'd feel internally so cynical and angry, and that made me anxious and confused.  It was depressing me because I was trying--praying not to feel this way.

The only way I can describe it is that he made me feel broken, not healthy.  Somehow, he made me not feel like myself.  Was he to be blamed for something he didn't even know about?  "Is he making me feel broken or is it myself?"  To be truthful, I had to admit that he probably had no clue how I felt.  So I was only hurting myself by harboring the resentment, hurt and anger that made me feel broken.

"What!  Am I stupid?"

"It's not him; it's me."  Slowly the realization that forgiveness wasn't about him, at all.  It's more about healing MYSELF.  I have to forgive to make and keep myself healthy.  This was an epiphany.  What I perceived as a wrong committed by him, somehow morphed into a wrong committed by me.  How did that happen?

Time was a factor.  Over time I had nursed my hurt into a gnawing bitterness that I perversely enjoyed. Blaming him was easier than thinking reasonably. So much time had gone by that he wouldn't even remember what had happened if I discussed it with him.  Now it's time for me to get over it, too.

OK.  Time for healing.  I once read Bishop Tutu's No Future Without Forgiveness and understood and recommend the book.  However, for me, it was an abstract concept.  Now however, it's palpable.  I will stay broken unless I get over my "hurt."  Time will help, but for now I can pray to be healed.

...as we forgive those who trespass against us...

7 x 77 = oo

I was reading the Gospel for the Twenty-Fourth Sunday, (Matt. 18: 21-35) and laughed at a memory.  One of my friends was ranting on and on about a mutual acquaintance.  When I quoted, ""Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive?  As many as seven times?"   Jesus answered, "I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times."


My friend snapped at me, "She's used up more than THAT!"

I laughed then, and I laugh now.  I don't get too upset about people who want revenge.  Some people treasure grudges.  It seems to keep them going.  Maybe it gives them a purpose in life.  And I have reflected on this, quite a bit, especially since I'm in prison ministry.

Victims, understandably, want "justice."  What that is, is different for each person.  That should tell you something, right there.  But however people determine what is "justice" here on earth, will never be satisfying.  True justice is divine.  Vengeance seems self destructive.  It changes one.  As Archbishop Tutu said, "No Future Without Forgiveness."  And I've always wanted to know how someone felt who harbored revenge on someone and then found out they were wrong.  How do you spontaneously turn off the hate that was nurtured so long?  What about new evidence proving that someone else perpetrated the crime, how do you realign your vengeance?   What's that feel like?  What does that do to you?

I also think that you can't blame people for finding it hard to forgive.  I think it's a personality type.  For some, it's easy, others, not so easy.  As it's said, "Only God can read hearts."  

Forgiveness

"...I feel that if I choose not to forgive him that I let him take up space in my head that I could be and should be using for far greater things.’’  Inspired, wise words spoken by a teenager, who was raped.  The girl was a 14 year old girl volunteering in a hospital, for a summer.   She was raped in the stairwell, in that hospital.  See Link.


This girl will move on.  Her life is better and she has a future.  As Bishop Tutu said, "There is No Future without Forgiveness."  It isn't easy, but for the mental, emotional, and spiritual health of a victim, it's a necessity.


I pray for everyone involved in this crime.