Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Pope Leaves the Jesuits


For a long time now, Pope Francis has contemplated leaving the Jesuits.  When he was a young priest, it was fun, but now that he’s matured and more important, the pope has discerned a calling to the Mendicants.  After all, Francis has to be true to himself.  His new motto is Veritas.

He was never comfortable with all the money the Jesuits have.  It’s rumored that even God doesn’t know how much money the Jesuits have.  See-- the pope really is too humble to be a Jesuit. 

As pope, he’s also too busy to do a good Examen of Consciousness, every night.  He makes up for it by popping into confessionals, whenever he can.  (Jesuits give the easiest penances.)

Never mind going through the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises!  Yes, in all good conscience, he just can’t do all that stuff that Jesuits are supposed to do. 

Besides, he’s such a social being.  He couldn't stand living all alone in the Vatican Apartments, trying to pray the Divine Office with nobody responding, no choir, no fraternal feeling.  His temperament and personality crave community.

Hence, the Holy Father looked into the Franciscans and the Dominicans.

At first, Francis thought the Franciscans would be a good fit.  He has always admired them; that’s why he chose the name Francis, after all.  The pope loves animals, even expressing a preference for the smell of sheep. 

Unfortunately, however, the pope’s feet are flat and he just can’t wear sandals.  Besides, he doesn’t look good in brown, or gray.  The habit isn’t becoming on him. Never mind the beards!  Itchy! Itchy!

Then there are the Dominicans.  Francis always admired Thomas Aquinas and has a bookcase full of Summa Theologica.  But the real attraction to the Dominicans was their family life.  They have nuns, sisters, and Laity.  Yes, they have WOMEN!!!!  How could he ever belong to an order that excluded women?   And the Jesuits have no Third Order, or Lay Oblates, or Lay Fraternities.  What’s the matter with those Jesuits?  Yes, the true reason (Veritas, again) the pope decided to become a Dominican is because he loves the Lay Fraternities of Saint Dominic.  He laughs at BrotherTonto and Cappa cartoons.  He reads eLumen.  He loves the laughter, singing, and wine, which can only be found in the LFSD.

Besides, now being a Dominican, Pope Francis is very conscious of holy poverty.  He doesn’t have to buy any new clothes.  He already wears a Dominican habit.

Ad majorem Dei glorian


*This satirical transition from the Jesuits to the Dominicans became official April 1, 2014.