Being Called to be a Preacher

Lectio:        Isaiah 50: 4-7

The Sovereign Lord has given me a well-instructed tongue,
    to know the word that sustains the weary.
He wakens me morning by morning,
    wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed.
⁵ The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears;
    I have not been rebellious,
    I have not turned away.
⁶ I offered my back to those who beat me,
    my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard;
I did not hide my face
    from mocking and spitting.
⁷ Because the Sovereign Lord helps me,
    I will not be disgraced.
Therefore have I set my face like flint,
    and I know I will not be put to shame.

Studium:

These verses are the thoughts of a prophet in exile.  He is confronted with the reality of life in Babylon.  Expressing feelings of righteous suffering is noticeable in these lines.  Being faithful may cause people to reject you, beat you, mock and spit.  But the prophet remains faithful.

Meditatio:

As a lector I have verses 4 and 5 written down.  But not the others.  I don't want to think about them.  Although, I have had a taste of being mocked.  Once while reading and pouring my heart out in my voice, a man laughed at loud!  I didn't know what to think.  Was I too dramatic?

    I was hurt by that laugh.  Was God trying to tell me something?  Was Satan trying to throw me off?

    After Mass, the wife of the man who laughed at me came to me and apologized for him.  I really don't remember what she said, but the fact that she is the one who came to me and not him is telling.

  Ever since then, I have been very insecure in my proclaiming.  I don't pour my heart into it, anymore.  I just don't enjoy it.

Oratio:

Lord, do you want me to quit being a lector?  I am one of the oldest ones, maybe it is time that I stepped down.  Will you give me a sign, somehow?

Contemplatio:

Do I turn away or not?

Resolutio:

I will continue until the Lord tells me not to.