The expression, “It’s complicated,” is overused. But in my particular case it is true. I confess, I don’t really understand my own feelings. They’re too complicated. I never tell, never mind ask, any one in my family to come to an event I’m a participant in. I feel:
· Nervous because I can’t trust them to be honest. They’ll be kind and tell me how good I was.
· Rushed to get everything over with to let them off the hook—which means I’m not focused on my part.
· Ashamed that they well be ashamed to have such an old fool for a relative.
· Fear, that I am belittling their image of their mother or wife.
· Embarrassed to show a side to my family that they’ve never seen before.
· Evil—did I force them to come and see me.
· Exposed in revealing ideas that they can’t, won’t ever appreciate.
· Worried about what they are thinking.
· Self-conscious—are my clothes and demeanor appropriate?
· Crazy—why am I like this? I must be crazy.
Have I given you my explanation of “it’s complicated?” The urban dictionary defines the phrase as “a couple in an ambiguous state between friends who maybe in a closer relationship.” However, I know some people who use the expression as meaning I don’t have the time or the desire to explain it to you.
I’m using the expression not to describe a relationship, itself, but because of the relationship of a wife and mother stepping out of those specific roles to people who aren’t accustomed to seeing her step out of her usual supporting role. However wonderful I may be in front of an audience, they won’t like it. They will prefer their wife and mother, not a presenter, lecturer, teacher, etc.
All these words to explain why I don’t my family in the audience. I can’t focus on the task before me if I have all the above feelings circling around inside my head.