Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Why I don't Want My Family In the Audience

The expression, “It’s complicated,” is overused.  But in my particular case it is true.  I confess, I don’t really understand my own feelings.  They’re too complicated.  I never tell, never mind ask, any one in my family to come to an event I’m a participant in.  I feel:

·         Nervous because I can’t trust them to be honest.  They’ll be kind and tell me how good I was.
·         Rushed to get everything over with to let them off the hook—which means I’m not focused on my part.
·         Ashamed that they well be ashamed to have such an old fool for a relative.
·         Fear, that  I am belittling their image of their mother or wife.
·         Embarrassed to show a side to my family that they’ve never seen before.
·         Evil—did I force them to come and see me.
·         Exposed in revealing ideas that they can’t, won’t ever appreciate.
·         Worried about what they are thinking.
·         Self-conscious—are my clothes and demeanor appropriate?
·         Crazy—why am I like this?  I must be crazy.

Have I given you my explanation of “it’s complicated?”  The urban dictionary defines the phrase as “a couple in an ambiguous state between friends who maybe in a closer relationship.”  However, I know some people who use the expression as meaning I don’t have the time or the desire to explain it to you.

I’m using the expression not to describe a relationship, itself, but because of the relationship of a wife and mother stepping out of those specific roles to people who aren’t accustomed to seeing her step out of her usual supporting role.  However wonderful I may be in front of an audience, they won’t like it.  They will prefer their wife and mother, not a presenter, lecturer, teacher, etc.

All these words to explain why I don’t my family in the audience.  I can’t focus on the task before me if I have all the above feelings circling around inside my head.  

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