Probably, the first prayer we all learn is the sign of the cross. After that, something our mothers taught us. Sunday School taught us more prayers. But I remember the first time I really prayed. I mean prayed from my heart, not a memorized prayer.
We were in the ninth inning of the annual softball game between Oakland Avenue School versus West Street School. The fifth and sixth graders played. I wanted to win, so I made a bargain with God. If my school, Oakland Avenue won, I would pray every prayer I knew, every night, for the rest of my life. This was no idle promise. I was a sincere, albeit competitive, little girl, and meant every word of my promise.
We won. Dutifully, every night I prayed:
Let me tell you. This was a burden. I hated it. But I did it. I forced myself, because a bargain is a bargain and I was going to honor it, especially a bargain with God.
Fast forward, a year. I'm in the sixth grade. Again it's the ninth inning, and it's a tie. I thought of my bargain. It worked last year. But it was such a burden. Dare I, could I, should I...I couldn't help myself. "O Lord, please don't let us lose. I kept my promise of saying all those prayers during the year, and I promise to add to my list of prayers, the Salve Regina and the Memorare. Please Jesus don't let us lose."
Just then, the bell rang. Game was over. We didn't win. But we didn't lose. Wait a minute. What did I pray? I prayed not to lose; I specifically asked for us not to lose. But God knew I meant for us to win. He is all knowing; He knows what I meant!
Gosh darn it. "Jesus, you know what I meant." But He did keep His part of the bargain. We didn't lose.
Sigh.
Again, I prayed every night my list of eight prayers plus the new two. I hated it. But a promise is a promise. I forced myself to get on my knees, beside my bed, and pray. If I were sick, or too tired, I made up for skipping a night by doubling the prayers, the next night. I was faithful to the point of stupidity.
Finally, one afternoon when I went to confession, I told my confessor about the bargain I made with God. The sin was my attitude towards prayer. Surely, God doesn't want to listen to me praying through gritted teeth. Prayer is talking to God. Talking to God through my heart, not through my teeth is what God wants. God knows what we want, what is good for us, I shouldn't bargain, just ask Him directly. He always answers. It may be no, not right now, it may be something better. My confessor and I prayed and I felt released from my bargain. I understood that God wants sincere talking from the heart prayers. Bargaining with God is silly. You can't win. God always wins. We can't even compete so forget about even trying.
Before I left the confessional, the priest asked if I were going to play in this year's softball game. I explained that I graduated elementary school and was now in Middle School, so no more softball games. "Good," he laughed, "I didn't want you promising to pray a rosary if you won."
No, I learned my lesson. I never made a bargain with God, again.
No comments:
Post a Comment