|Drawing by MEK|
I thought I'd forgiven him. At least I was trying. I was going through the motions. But when we were together, standing next to each other. I'd feel internally so cynical and angry, and that made me anxious and confused. It was depressing me because I was trying--praying not to feel this way.
The only way I can describe it is that he made me feel broken, not healthy. Somehow, he made me not feel like myself. Was he to be blamed for something he didn't even know about? "Is he making me feel broken or is it myself?" To be truthful, I had to admit that he probably had no clue how I felt. So I was only hurting myself by harboring the resentment, hurt and anger that made me feel broken.
"What! Am I stupid?"
"It's not him; it's me." Slowly the realization that forgiveness wasn't about him, at all. It's more about healing MYSELF. I have to forgive to make and keep myself healthy. This was an epiphany. What I perceived as a wrong committed by him, somehow morphed into a wrong committed by me. How did that happen?
Time was a factor. Over time I had nursed my hurt into a gnawing bitterness that I perversely enjoyed. Blaming him was easier than thinking reasonably. So much time had gone by that he wouldn't even remember what had happened if I discussed it with him. Now it's time for me to get over it, too.
OK. Time for healing. I once read Bishop Tutu's No Future Without Forgiveness and understood and recommend the book. However, for me, it was an abstract concept. Now however, it's palpable. I will stay broken unless I get over my "hurt." Time will help, but for now I can pray to be healed.
...as we forgive those who trespass against us...